Mental Health: Blooming from the Mud

In Japanese culture, the koi fish and the lotus are two symbols that represent strength, perseverance, and resilience. The lotus emerges from the mud, and the koi swims against the current. Much like the koi navigating turbulent waters and the lotus withstanding the mud, I have navigated mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, poor body image, and disordered eating. Just as the koi gains strength by fighting against the current and the lotus blooms in muddy waters, I, too, have emerged stronger and more resilient.

My journey began at the age of 15, or perhaps even earlier, commencing an eight-year, ongoing journey through mental health struggles and moments of profound despair. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddist monk, wrote, “Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” My journey, laden with suffering, has brought me here today, reflecting on my experiences, weathering the muddy waters, and growing stronger with each passing day.

High School and Mental Health

During my high school years, I was quite introverted, spending most of my time listening attentively in class and seeking solace in my room at home. As a result, society labeled me as the “quiet” or “shy” girl. I often found myself misunderstood, and I could never quite fit in.

Moreover, I was often teased about my weight, but not in the way in you might think. I was ridiculed for being ‘too skinny’ and labeled as ‘skin and bones.’ Ironically, I spent my entire high school experience and much of college trying to lose weight. Each Sunday at 9:00 a.m., I would weigh myself, jot down the number, and attach corresponding adjectives like ‘fat’ and ‘disgusting.’

Struggling with poor body image and loneliness, I found myself entrapped in a binge-restrict cycle with food, consuming copious amounts of food one day and then attempting practical starvation the next or walking for hours to “compensate.” Although unsuccessful, I often tried to purge, another desperate attempt to gain control.

This fixation on food and exercise dominated my thoughts and became my only companion, offering a false sense of control over reality. Each week unfolded with the same narrative: “I will eat X amount of calories and exercise X number of hours and by X date, I will be X pounds.” The illusion of control was shattered by the reality that I had lost any semblance of it, propelling me down a dangerous path that would continue and evolve for years to come.

College, Independence, and Mental Health Struggles

Upon graduating high school and entering college, I welcomed the prospect of independence and the ability to control my own food choices, time, and space. I desired to reinvent myself, shedding the labels of the “quiet” or “shy” girl, and form real connections and friendships.

However, the enduring companion of my mental health struggles continued. Once again, my thoughts were dominated by food and exercise. The college experience that I had so looked forward to now became more of the same game I’d played a million times before–calories in, calories out. Food had become something I needed to earn with exercise as the compensation.

This obsession with calories and exercise left me feeling increasingly out of control around food. Although all I wanted was to lose weight, I became more and more hopeless as I saw the number on the scale increase from week to week. I, too,  fell victim to the “Freshman 15.” As summer approached and a return home loomed, anxiety intensified at the thought of my parents witnessing the perceived weight gain. The familiar descriptors–‘fat’ and ‘disgusting’–reverberated in my mind.

The Summer of 2021: Battling Loneliness and Mental Turmoil

During my junior year of college, a summer internship in my college town seemed like an escape from the challenges surrounding food and the perceived lack of control at home. I rented a bedroom in a house with three other girls. Despite the company and the sound of Love Island playing on the TV in the living room, I felt extremely isolated, making it one of the loneliest periods of my life. The familiar story resumed, and once more, food served as my companion.

This ‘friend’ that I couldn’t shake became my warden. My body became my prison. I tracked calories, measured portions, and walked or ran for hours a day in an attempt to “burn off” the calories consumed. Despite these attempts at control, I found myself unable to escape my own mental battles. I couldn’t escape myself. That realization in that moment was paralyzing, and suicidal thoughts intensified. While this wasn’t the first time I experienced those thoughts, this episode was extremely overwhelming. I felt trapped in the muddy waters, like I was drowning.

Entering the Corporate World: Depression Amidst Stability

Upon graduating college in December 2021, I entered the corporate world as an analyst at a local bank. Once more, I told myself things would be different; this was a new chapter. However, this transition brought its own set of challenges, from finding a place to live to establishing a new routine, triggering waves of heightened anxiety.

While the extreme episodes of binge eating had subsided, their echoes remained, dominating my thoughts with an unrelenting focus on food and exercise. Lost in the identity I had given myself, controlled by food and exercise, I didn’t truly know who I was.

The 8-5 routine structured my eating habits, providing physical stability, but with it, other forms of mental instability emerged. Forty hours a week confined within cubicle walls created another prison, intensifying feelings of monotony and dissatisfaction. Three and a half years of rigorous education led me to this? I found it hard to accept that this monotonous, fluorescent-lit existence was all that life had to offer me.

A whirlwind of emotions–feeling lost, hopeless, and confused–consumed me. Lack of purpose became the center of my thoughts, and I grew extremely depressed. Despite dedicating myself to education, earning a degree, and achieving independence, the promised happiness of “success” remained elusive.

2023: A Year of Fitness, Mental Resilience, and Self-Discovery

By 2023, my relationship with exercise, previously centered on calorie burn, underwent a transformative shift. Battling depression and loneliness, I decided to join a gym, seeking an outlet for the mental anguish. This marked a pivotal moment in my mental health journey.

However, I struggled immensely with gym anxiety. The first time I went to the gym, I sat in my car for 15 minutes before I finally forced myself to walk in. I went to the locker rooms, changed into my workout clothes, and, with a heart pounding in my chest, I walked out onto the gym floor. For the first two weeks, I didn’t get off the treadmill. Finally, I made my way into the back corner of the gym with a small selection of dumbbells. The initial anxiety gave way to a newfound appreciation for exercise. It became more about how it made me feel and less about how it could make me look.

I fell in love with the process and growth–each set and rep taking me further. My focus shifted from a desire to lose weight to a goal of strength and muscle gain. Food ceased to be a reward earned through exercise; instead, it became nourishment, a vital component of my well-being. The gym evolved into a sanctuary–a place to escape, focus on the present, and channel the mental turmoil into physical growth.

I truly believe the gym saved my life, and it continues to save my life. Therefore, it remains a constant source of solace and empowerment, defining 2023 as a year of self-discovery and resilience.

Continuing the Journey: Navigating the Waves of Mental Health

In full transparency, I still struggle daily with my mental health, and my relationship with food and exercise remains a work in progress. My mental health journey is a complex one, requiring perseverance, resilience, and introspection. While I do not have an official diagnosis for an eating disorder, depression, or anxiety, the weight of these struggles resonates deeply within me, a burden I continue to carry.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s words echo, reinforcing that each obstacle has been a stepping stone, shaping me into a stronger, more resilient individual. The symbolism of the koi and the lotus encapsulate the essence of my journey–growing through struggles and finding strength in the face of adversity. As I acknowledge the long road that lies ahead, I reflect on the immense growth over the past eight years. I will continue the path towards healing and growth, hoping to bloom into the lotus that I am meant to become.

Seeking Support: Isolation is Not Your Friend

Regrettably, in the midst of my mental health struggles, I isolated myself and never sought help. I mistakenly convinced myself that I was in control and didn’t have a problem. If you are struggling with your mental heath in any capacity, I urge you to reach out. Your suffering is valid, and you deserve a healthy and happy life. You are worthy of peace.

Below is a compilation of some reputable mental health organizations and helplines.

Mental Health Organizations and Helplines:

• • National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI); Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

• • MentalHealth.gov

• • Crisis Text Line: Text HELLO to 741741 for free, confidential support.

• • SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration); Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Eating Disorder Organizations and Helplines:

• • National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA); Helpline: 1-800-931-2237

• • Eating Disorders Hope

• • Project HEAL

Suicide Organizations and Helplines:

• • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

• • American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

• • International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)

If you’re reading this, you’re not alone; your suffering is valid, and support is available. Please reach out to someone, anyone. While I am not a professional, I resonate with your struggles, and I will be your ally; if you need someone to listen, I’m here.

The waters may be muddy now, and they may be muddy for a great deal of time, but I am hopeful that we will both see the light some day.