In my last post, I shared what it’s like to live on the edge, where the weight of suicidal thoughts threatens to take me under. Today, I want to share the reasons I keep living – the glistening of light in the darkness. With no strong social or emotional support, the burden of loneliness and isolation is heavy. Therefore, I have to search within myself to try and find motivation and purpose. It’s the small things that keep me going, even when my mind convinces me otherwise. If you’re feeling alone – like there’s no one out there, like you have no one to lean on – this one’s for you.
Reason #1: Finding Comfort in Life’s Mundane Moments
I’ve always been very structured; routine gives me a sense of stability and “control,” yet it also bores me to death sometimes. The mundane repetition — like a robot shutting down and rebooting each night – is enough to drive me mad. Yet, within the monotony, I find reprieve in simple rituals: the morning cup of coffee, the anticipation of the next episode of Tell Me Lies on Hulu, the scent of a fall candle, and the warmth of my bed. These tiny sparks disrupt the endless cycle of tasks and obligations, offering brief but welcome relief from the mechanical nature of life. For a moment, the gears slow down, and I can feel something other than dread or apathy — a glimmer of comfort, like a glitch in the system that reminds me I’m still human.
Reason #2: Living as an Act of Rebellion
Honestly, sometimes I find no reason to live other than out of spite. Capitalism, depression, the voices that control and distort my identity – they all want me to give up. Capitalism says, “I will work you into the grave; you are nothing more than a vehicle for profit”. Depression insists, “There is no point. Nothing matters. You will never get better or find happiness.” The puppet master behind the scenes pulls the strings as shadows flicker in the dim light — each inner critic dances like marionettes to a haunting tune. Sometimes, they take turns performing their roles; other times, they overlap in a cacophony of self-loathing:
“Unworthy.”
“Fraud.”
“Disgusting.”
“Failure.”
“Incapable.”
In this suffocating world and within my chaotic mind, every day I wake up and choose to fight back against the darkness is a powerful act of defiance. It’s the antithesis of every echo and whisper that consumes my thoughts and seeks to destroy me.
Reason #3: Nurturing My Blog as a Creative Outlet
Writing is my refuge, a way to express my thoughts and share my story. Ironically, the things I write here I’ve never spoken aloud. I’ve hidden my pain away, just as I learned to conceal my feelings as a child, told not to “cry” or “pout.” That little girl begged to be seen, to be heard, even when no words were spoken, yet she never was.
Blogging has opened the door to self-exploration, giving me a platform to express the good and the bad. Those who stigmatize mental health will tell me I’m too “negative” or to “think positive,” as if it was that simple. However, I know someone out there relates to that little girl who cowered in the corner, suffered in silence, and grew into an adult who bears the shackles of the past, the burdens of the present, and the dread of the future. I’ve lost so many years to mental health struggles that I don’t even know who I am. When I think about prior years, I have no memories of friendships or family vacations. Instead, I’ve caged myself inside the walls of my own mind, like a bird with clipped wings — full of promise, yet unable to take flight.
Through this blog, I aim to create a space that not only serves as a creative outlet but also helps others feel seen and understood— something I’ve lacked, leaving a void like a barren desert within me. I want to nurture my potential and see where this journey can lead — like tending to a garden, watching it bloom despite the weeds of self-doubt.
Reason #4: Looking Forward to My Next Workout
Exercise allows me to channel the internal turmoil into physical growth. With every set and rep, I’m reminded that I can conquer any challenge. I hear the music from my headphones and the beating of my heart – a symphony that makes me feel alive and capable of anything.
The gym is a sanctuary where I can escape the cruel outside world, focusing solely on the weight in my hands and the determination coursing through my veins. Each workout completed is a testament to my resilience and the progress I can achieve. It’s not just about building muscle; it’s about creating a version of myself that can face life’s challenges head-on and come out stronger on the other side.
Reason #5: Envisioning Life with a Furry Friend
Ever since I moved out on my own two years ago, I’ve wanted to get a pet, particularly a dog. However, my first place didn’t allow pets, and my full-time office job left little time to care for an animal.
Now, I live in a pet-friendly apartment. However, my lease is about to expire, and my landlord is raising my rent again (shocker). I’ve been considering moving anyway because I don’t want to stay in the city I’m in. Fortunately, my remote job gives me flexibility to choose where I live, opening up the possibility of welcoming a furry friend into my life.
The thought of having a dog excites me – the potential for finding some semblance of connection. I can picture our daily walks, playful afternoons, and cozy evening cuddles. Perhaps then this aching loneliness will subside, even just a little.
Reason #6: Moving Someplace New
Imagining a fresh start in a new place fills me with a mix of hope and anxiety for the future. I’ve settled into my current routine and environment, and as someone who thrives on structure, change is daunting. After spending nearly seven years in this city — first in college dorms, then renting a duplex on my own, and now in an apartment —I’ve grown accustomed to my surroundings.
I know that changing my environment won’t magically fix the brokenness inside of me. However, staying in a space where I’ve slipped back into self-destructive habits makes it hard to climb out of this rut.
I’m still searching for the sense of belonging that has eluded me my entire life. I’m not oblivious; I know that at some point, I must admit that the problem is me. Regardless, if I force myself to break out of my “safe” routine and start anew somewhere else, perhaps I can find a way to reignite my life — at least for a little while. After all, I can’t outrun myself.
Reason #7: Rediscovering Passion & Purpose
Throughout my life, I’ve gone through phases where I feel like I’m stuck in “freeze” mode – where everything feels pointless or too overwhelming to handle. Lately, I feel like I’ve lost interest in everything. Exercise, which used to be a source of joy, has become more of an obligation. Writing, once a passionate outlet, now feels like another demand I struggle to meet. I waste so much time thinking about everything I “should be” or “need to be” doing that I don’t get anything accomplished. On top of work responsibilities and the weight of depression, I struggle to publish even two blog posts each month.
Then, I grow more and more disappointed in myself. I’m falling behind again – personally and professionally. Why can’t I get it together? Everything feels burdensome, even the smallest tasks. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I cope? Everyone else thrives, yet I keep dwindling.
The clinical term for losing interest in everything is anhedonia. For me, it feels like being trapped in a maze with no exit in sight. Constantly going in circles, I can’t get out of my own way. I hope I can “snap out of it” and rediscover passion, purpose, and joy because those are ultimately what make life worth living.
Reason #8: Living to Keep Learning
Ever since childhood, I’ve had a passion for learning. In school, I loved to read, to unlock another level of knowledge. In the shadows of classrooms and hallway corridors, writing emerged as an escape – a way to create my own reality. Paradoxically, I also really enjoyed and had a knack for math; it was my favorite subject. I appreciated that each problem had one answer — no ambiguity; right is right, and wrong is wrong.
In my adult life, this quest for knowledge continues. Perhaps that’s why I get bored so easily. I tend to pick things up quickly, feeling a rush of excitement, but when the flow of information settles, so does the stimulation.
Reason #9: Embracing Change & Growth
As an extension of learning, I never want to become stagnant or complacent. The thought of staying in one place too long or doing the same thing for too long makes me feel uneasy. I’m constantly chasing the next opportunity, the next place, or the next challenge. Stillness makes me feel restless, like the deceitful spilling waves in the early morning right before they plunge into the depths of the ocean. The calm predictability makes me feel like I’m merely coasting along, slowly sinking into obscurity.
Like that fleeting moment between crest and trough, I’m reminded that new horizons are only one choice away, always within reach if I’m willing to rise with the tide. Growth emerges in the swell, pushing me toward the unknown and urging me to embrace the changes that life presents.
Reason #10: Connecting with Nature
Being in nature has always helped me stay grounded (pun intended). The sun serves as a reminder that warmth exists even when everything feels bleak. The many trees, with their changing leaves, symbolize growth and renewal—they endure the harshness of winter, patiently wait for spring, flourish in the summer sun, and shed their dead weight in the fall, preparing to embrace the cycle once more. Walking trails signify choices, opportunity, and the journey ahead — different paths leading to unique destinations, each with varying lengths and distinct stories to tell.
Reason #10: Planning for Another Tattoo
I feel a rush of anticipation as I think about getting another tattoo and adding it to my personal canvas. Each tattoo tells a story, serving as a permanent reminder of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. The koi and the lotus represent swimming against the current, overcoming adversity, and blooming from the mud. The tiger symbolizes strength, courage, and the fierce determination to keep fighting. The next design will signify another step forward on this rocky path.
Reason #11: Dreaming of Adventure
I’ve always wanted to travel. The thought of exploring new places, experiencing different cultures, and stepping outside my comfort zone fills me with hope. It’s not just about seeking adventure, but also discovering more about myself — a chance to see the world and gain new perspectives. To remind myself that life is so much bigger than my current circumstances and the confines of my mind.
Reason #12: Exploring the Possibilities
Most of the time, I struggle to picture a future I’d want to be a part of. However, the “what ifs” — the uncertainty of what lies ahead—linger like a faint echo in the back of my mind. It feels as though I’ve been living the same year over and over, repeating the same patterns while expecting different results (the very definition of insanity). I worry my future will mirror the present, but I don’t want that. I want it to be better — to hold even a fragment of joy. It’s that highly improbable, wishful thinking that sustains me through another second, another minute, and finally, another day.
Reason #13: Living to Overcome the Battle
After spending almost a decade entangled in a battle with myself, breaking free feels impossible. The internal chaos has dictated my actions and shaped my identity, leaving me to wonder if peace is truly attainable. Although doubt and fear consume me — haunted by the possibility that I might remain both warden and prisoner for the rest of my life — a spark of curiosity propels me forward. Can I reclaim my identity from the puppet master that pulls the strings of my thoughts and behaviors? Can I confront my demons rather than surrender to them? Will I ever know who I really am, free from the distortions that have held me captive for so long? I don’t know if I can overcome this battle, but the only way to find out is to keep moving forward.
Keeping Hope Alive
Hope is a fickle thing. When the darkness is all-consuming, it’s usually nowhere to be found. Yet occasionally, in the ordinary moments, it emerges as a faint flicker, barely noticeable but still persistent, illuminating the shadows just enough to remind me it exists. It burns quickly, the weight of despair threatening to extinguish it. I grasp at it, trying to shield it from the winds of doubt. In those fleeting seconds, the warmth of hope rekindles my will to live. I cling to this fragile light, knowing it will fade just as quickly as it ignited. Yet, it keeps me alive, urging me to carry on.
If you’re reading this, and you feel lost or alone, find something — anything — to hold onto and don’t let go.
